Fun while shopping

By John Freeman on February 28, 2007

Okay, nothing to do with comics, but this e-mail joke tickled me, cited as evidence of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.

Sadly, the letter below, allegedly sent by Tesco’s Head Office to a customer in Oxford, is a fake — it actually began the rounds of the net back in early 2006 and Wal-Mart was the original butt of the joke — but what the heck, enjoy it anyway!

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in the Houseware section to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3” in houseware… and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the “Madonna look” using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed “NO! NO! It’s those voices again.”

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here.”

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager

If only Tescos and Walmart staff did write such letters, maybe then those stores would stock more comics…

About the Author
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John Freeman

John is the founder of downthetubes, launched in 1998. He is a comics and magazine editor, writer, and Press Officer for the Lakes International Comic Art Festival. He also runs Crucible Comic Press.

Working in British comics publishing since the 1980s, his credits include editor of titles such as Doctor Who Magazine and Overkill for Marvel UK, Babylon 5 Magazine, Star Trek Magazine, and its successor, Star Trek Explorer, and more. He also edited the comics anthology STRIP Magazine and edited several audio comics for ROK Comics; and has edited several comic collections and graphic novels, including volumes of “Charley’s War” and “Dan Dare”, and Hancock: The Lad Himself, by Stephen Walsh and Keith Page.

He’s the writer of comics such as Pilgrim: Secrets and Lies for B7 Comics; “Crucible”, a creator-owned project with 2000AD artist Smuzz; and “Death Duty” and “Skow Dogs”, with Dave Hailwood.